BOOSH!

“Let’sKillAndrew is shear comedic genius…” writes Dylan Roper, five time winner of that one award.

Right now I’m listening to “Himno nacional de el Salvador” which translates to English as “Song of the Sorrow.” That has nothing really to do with what’s coming next.

Things I would change:

Fixing sports in general

1. 1 v. 8, more like 1 v. 0 – I, of course, am citing the 2006-07 Dallas Mavericks on this one. Before I talk about the post-season tragedy that was bestowed upon this team, let me point out that the Mavericks won 67 of their 82 games (sixth best of all time), went 52-2 at one point in the season, and sported the league’s MVP on their team. How were they rewarded? By playing the one team that had single-handedly given them 20% of their losses. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Solution: The highest seeded team gets to pick who they play each round.
Example:
1 picks 7 to play.
2 picks 8 to play.
3 picks 4 to play.
5 has only 6 to play.
Same thing happens in round 2. If 7 beats 1, they don’t steal the seed, they stay a 7.

2. All-Star voting is more like a high school’s Mr./Mrs. MHS – I love Josh Hamilton but he should not of made the All-Star game. He played four games… ish. That’s how many games he didn’t play – I don’t even know.
Solution: Do NOT let the fans vote anymore, this is not working. The only people that should be allowed to vote are players, coaches, managers, or anyone who is employed by a professional team. Only them. I’m sorry, this is not America, this is sportsland where justice rules above feelings.

Fixing Soccer

1. Players diving and tricking poor wittle refs – I realize that it’s really hard for a ref to call dives at game speed, in any sport this is true. But it doesn’t mean we can’t punch people in the face for doing this junk after the game.
Solution: Post-game, if the almighty soccer reffing association club of men realize a dive took place, fine the caboose off the player and card them accordingly.

2. Overtime, tying, and kissing your sister – 90 minutes go by and it’s still 0-0. Awesome.
Solution: take a guy off both teams, making it 10 v. 10. Play that for 15 minutes or so. If there’s still no goals make it 9 v. 9 and so on. This would be awesome because eventually it’d become 1 v. 1 on a 120 yard field. Hopefully, at least.

3. Penalty kicks are the Obama of soccer – This is too much of a game changing play. What if in football (the one America cares about) a team got to kick a field goal if there was a defensive foul inside the 20. With one guy to block it. AND he had to wear really goofy looking gloves on his hands. Ridiculous.
Solution: Switch from a direct penalty kick to a dribble one. This is the best video I could find on one. You put the ball on the 35 yard line (or something over there) and they dribble up for a one-on-one against the keeper (keeper starts on goal line). Put the rest of both teams behind midfield and start play whenever the player touches the ball. In addition, the call for a dribble up is on the ref’s discretion. Regardless if it’s inside the 18 or not, the ref can call a dribble up PK.

4. Ultra-defenses – Sometimes teams get a lead late and pull everyone back on defense, making it almost impossible for the losing team to score.
Solution: Limit the number of players inside the 18. No more than nine (including goalie) for both teams inside the 18. Penalty results in a free kick atop the 18.

5. Ultra-injuries – Whenever a player goes down for ten minutes, we have a problem.
Solution:Ref 10 counts the player, if he doesn’t get up in 10 seconds, a staff of trainers walk/carry him off the field immediately. We don’t need the game slowed down because of this guy’s poor ankle. The team can either sub or play a man down until his injury is resolved.

Fixing NCAA Basketball

1. Conference tournaments are stupid – You play every team in the conference twice to… play them again in a tournament? Dumb.
Solution: Remove them altogether.

2. Playoffs! I wanna talk about playoffs – Teams like 2008′s Georgia Tech do not deserve to make the NCAA tournament just because they win three games in a row. Double dumb. Also, putting 65 teams in a huge tournament does not give us our champion, however exciting it may be to pick a bracket winner.
Solution: Pool play over playoff play. If it’s good enough for the World Cup, it’s good enough for me.
How I would do it:
Round one…..
56 teams – 14 groups of 4 teams. Round robin. Winner of each group, 14 teams, advance with addition of 2 wild cards chosen by same tournament committee that messes it up every year by leaving that one team out of the tournament. (168 games)
Round two…..
16 teams – 4 groups of 4 teams. Winner of each group, 4 teams, plus two wild cards advance. (48 games)
Round three…..
6 teams – 2 groups of 3. (4 games) Winner of each group advance.
Round four…..
2 teams – championship game. (1 game) 1 v. 1 duh.

Conclusion: I am more than glad to have 221 games played in my March (and some in February) because I want to know who the champion really is. The winner would end up playing nine total games which is around 5 weeks of drama-enduced basketball. Awesome.

Fixing NCAA Football

1. “The BCS made me divorce my wife it’s so bad.” Oh man that BCS. Just… everything about it is so… evil.
Solution: First off, I have no idea why we are having robots tell us who is the best football team in the country. In every movie where we have robots telling us things they end up trying to kill all humans. So we’re going to ban all computers who think they know anything. Secondly, we’re going to create the Ultimate Poll which is a combination of Coach’s, AP, and my own personal opinion.

2. “We need playoffs at the end of the season!” We don’t need a playoff system. I love the idea of every team playing every week for that number one spot. Not top eight to qualify for the playoffs.
Solution: I’m looking at TAMU’s football schedule and they’re sporting twelve games over thirteen weeks (eight of them being conference games). Let’s remove one of those no-meaning warm-up games, bump up all the conference games a week, and save a week at the end of the schedule for a potential game. Let’s call that week “Will Week” The Monday before Will Week, every team picks another team to play inside the top 16 (so we have an even number) with the number one team in the ultimate poll picking first. This adds a decent team to every team’s schedule. Then after that week, we have bowl week/months. The way we do that isn’t first in the Big 12 vs. first in Pac 10, it’s straight down the rankings. 1 v. 2, 3 v. 4…. 117 v. 118.

Fixing MLB

1. United we stand divided we are the MLB – Let’s remove divisions for the sole reason that the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals made the playoffs with only 83 wins. (Good thing they didn’t win the World Series or I’d say keep them in there.) Out of the entire NL they finished fifth of sixteen teams. Not good enough to have a shot for the WS.
Solution: Remove divisions and just have leagues. AL and NL. No East, West, Central garbage.
So how would we do playoffs? Four teams from each league make the playoff. The winner of their respective league gets to play all their first round games at home. Ridiculous? No because they won their league and are playing a team who probably doesn’t really deserve to be there. If that fourth seed team really deserves a shot at the WS they’re going to beat the top team in the league to earn it. Also, every series is a 7 game series. You shouldn’t make the post-season in 162 games and unmake it in three. Four is much more reasonable. And the rest plays out like normal.

2. Designated hitter hitting… .220? – Description fail. If there’s spot specifically called “designated hitter” he should be able to hit. It’s like asking “What if Oscar the Grouch wasn’t grouchy?”
Solution: The designated hitter has to have one of two things: an on-base percentage of at least .350 (no rounding up) or a slugging of at least .450 going into the day’s game. In case you were wondering, both qualifications have 80 hitters in them, so I don’t feel like this is a really high bar to achieve. If it comes up that you can’t (or don’t want to) field someone that qualifies, your pitcher has to bat. And on the first day of the season obviously the pitchers would have to hit because everyone is .000 in everything. Except Albert Pujols, for some reason.

Fixing the NFL

1. Scheduling a problem – – Why do the winners of the NFC divisions get picked off their performance of games that are against their division and… the AFC?
Solution: No inter-league play. Each team’s schedule should look like this

Games (1-5) vs. teams outside of division but in same league.
Games (6-8) vs. division only
Games (9-13) vs. teams outside of division but in same league (that they haven’t played yet)
Games (14-16) vs. division only

2. Fumble recovering shouldn’t be a stat, much less a reward – Picking up a bouncing lemon-shaped football while be attacked by 21 other guys is as random as it gets.
Solution: If a fumble occurs, it’s an immediate dead ball. The fumbling team gets a twenty yard penalty (almost effectively killing their drive) and loss of down. If there’s a fumble within twenty yards of their defending end zone (that is, if the end zone is no more than twenty yards behind them) then it’s an automatic safety.

3. Substitution is for the weak – Waaay too much. Players go in for play then come out for a breather. Dumb.
Solution: Allot 15 players to be used on the drive. Put 11 on the field, if any of them need a sub for whatever reason they can only sub for the four players that have been designated to sub in. Those players that come out can come back in if they wish but only any combination of those 15 players can be used that possession. Exceptions to this rule are punters, kick teams, kick block teams, and punt returns. On the event of a time-out is called, the team may reset their entire 15 players. Also, as a side note, If you’re injured and can not make it off the field by your own power, you are removed from the drive and the next drive after that.

Fixing the Olympics

1. Too little events – That’s right, I said it. The only reason a sport/hobby shouldn’t be allowed into the Olympics is because there’s not enough competition.
Solution: If, at minimum, ten countries say “I want ______ sport in the Olympics” then it should be allowed in. I want to know who’s the best at kickball, pencil breaking, and pillow fluffing in the entire world.

Fixing boxing

1. There shouldn’t be any judging in who hit the other guy harder – I don’t want someone to tell me who was the better fighter…
Solution: …I want to see one guy lying on the mat blubbering like a homeless man hopped up on NyQuil.

Fixing golf

I can’t think of any way to make this sport enjoyable mainly because I slice the ball every time I drive.