BOOSH!

I’ll admit it – I enjoy watching soccer. Not 90 minutes of soccer, just 5:05 minutes of soccer. See for yourself.

Boosh

That’s not completely true, it’s just that I miss all the FC Dallas games (my favorite MLS team/one of the few I can name). When that happens, I cozy up with my favorite laptop and watch the highlights. Click the link above if you want to play along. I’ll be walking us through each replay to point out how bad FC Dallas really is. But before I do that, I’ll give us a walk through of the players we need to know.

Randall Jeff Cunningham – Now our best attacker because Kenny Cooper was traded to some German team. Kenny Cooper was a beast on the field at kicking the ball really hard but apparently he felt he could be a better player for America (he’s on the reserve squad) by not playing in America and for some equally bad German team. Cunningham is a showboat but produces results so we like him.

Idiot Sala – Actually, I don’t know his first name, but if I had to guess that’d be it. This guy is the worst goalkeeper I have ever seen, heard, or smell that is above the age of well… any age. He is terrible. I can not put into words how bad he really is. And the worst part is, the backup was actually doing really well while Sala was out with some injury.

Drew Moor – Captains the worst defense in the entire MLS. Isn’t that bad.

Annnnd that’s about it. I don’t know any of the Columbus players because they are wearing yellow. Bleck.

I’ll put the time of the video not the time of the game because no one actually knows how long a soccer game really is.

Pre-game

:03 – Quickly we are shown the teams’ records.
FC Dallas – 6.9.5 (win.loss.tie)
Columbus – 9.3.9 (how much they like kissing other boys on a 9.3.9 scale)

You hear about some streak for Columbus winning some amount of games. What they’re really saying is that they suck on the road. Annnnd something about being in first place, I don’t know…

If you notice, Columbus’ stadium actually shows some fans in the crowd. This is a really foreign concept to most of the MLS.

0:14 – We see Columbus’ lineup. Any team with the players Moffat (I’m sure is pronounced “My fat”), Padula (ex-American Idol judge), Expo (not kidding), and Moreno is practically set to win the “Which team can get made fun of more” contest. (Moreno has no relation to me because he doesn’t score any goals this game.)

0:18 – Some guy for Columbus scores a goal (I assume) and goes to take of his jersey to throw it in the crowd, then remembers that the jerseys are about 40 bucks a piece and doesn’t make that sort of money to just throw around. Then we see a .4 second clip of him just running. Pretty good shot.

0:20 – We get a clip of Cunningham’s goal when the two teams last played each other. Don’t be fooled by the camera angle, a Columbus player literally passes the ball straight back to Cunningham (who, I guess has just learned telepathy) and sidesteps a bumbling fool at 0:21 then promptly pushes the ball on the ground kinda hard past the goalie who is busy sitting on one knee. Even worse, the guy who passed the ball straight to Cunningham trips on an FC Dallas player who is jogging back to get into position on defense.

0:43 – (The game has started by now, in case you missed it.) WAIT. Listen closely to the announcers… “[the coaches are] extremely happy to have [Sala] back in goal just ’cause” No. There is no reason why we want him in goal. Watch the next five seconds as gets beat on a header (sent on a very nice cross). Not only does he managed to get his face at the same height as the ball, he also manages to Matrix-style dodge it as it goes into the goal while still making it look like he was going for the ball; a nice limp wrist will really convince all the fans that you tried you hardest. And did you see how he jumped? It was like he started to jump then got massive diarrhea midway through. Also, if you notice (which you didn’t so that’s why I’m here), Sala doesn’t put a defender on the back post. He probably told his defense “Oh no, I’ve got it covered.” Don’t get me started on the defender, (oops, wrong word, I meant “bystander”) who doesn’t bother to jump, hold his ground, or any other defending tactic that we learn at age 6 in any sport.

1:04 – Ugliest hair cut award goes to the FC Dallas defender Sir Mulletsupreme guarding number 32 before the kick.

1:18 – FC Dallas really utilizes a free kick by kicking it straight at the goalie despite two Columbus players laying down and taking a nap on the field.

1:26 – Great display of “Kick it and go get it” strategy shown by FC Dallas. Cunningham makes a fairly decent strike on the ball on his first touch because he didn’t want anyone else to touch it.

1:30 – Annnnd FC Dallas’ defense gets made fun of right here with the flick of the ball past the defender’s face and around his body. “Oh man that was really embarrassing. I should definitely fall down and not get up for a while. Oh look! He’s about to score. No wait, he’s an idiot and decides to pass through two of our defenders to the guy on the back post. That will never wor-oh wow that totally almost worked. Good thing he just messed up there because we suck.” I don’t think Drew Moor (one of the few standing FC Dallas defenders) even knew the attacker was behind him.

1:35-1:47 I’ll walk you through what’s going on here. First we have two FCD players running kinda towards the guy with the ball. He passes to another CREW. FCD decides to quadruple cover him. The ball is quickly played back out. A cross to (for some reason) a completely wide open man. The ball sails a couple of feet over the cross bar while Sala tries to use the Force to bring the ball into his hands instead of the usually technique of raising hands in the slightest bit.

1:50 A twist off of an old favorite: kick-it-flick-it-get-it (boy I feel like playing some bopit now!). Cunningham stumbles into a one-on-one and probably could have turned him right, then left but takes the ball towards the goal line and tries his luck there. No dice. Take notice of the good dive of this goalie and the one by Sala seconds later.

2:09 – Shot on goal for Columbus. Sala manages to fall in the general direction of the ball. But he did probably kick it really far on the oncoming goal kick.

2:16 – This has got to be the save of the year. It does not get any better than that. Amazing. Too bad only one of his defenders tells him “Good job.”

2:35 – FCD decides they owe Columbus one and sends a great lob up in the air so that anyone can get it. Well we run back to defend, that’s a plus. Then Sala manages to slide out to take the ball and miss it completely. But to be fair, I think he was trying to save it with his shinguard instead of his hands. I could understand that.

2:49 – Number 10 kinda defends the ball by making him pass it. Ends up I was right about Sala trying to save with his shinguard because he does it here.

3:04 – Drew Moor allows the guy to embarrass him and make it really exciting for the Columbus crowd. He then feels bad and ends up saving a potential shot/goal (same thing for Sala) on a very nice foul-less slide inside the 18.

3:20 – Sala doing his best impression of “I don’t want to be here anymore.” He doesn’t really bother to set up his wall and I’m pretty sure he misses the actual kick of the ball from the set piece. Well, the cross probably won’t be-well that was pretty good. But surely the header won’t be-nope that was good too. Off sides? Whew. He must have known it from the start. *Fun fact: the shot goes to Sala’s right side of the body, so he must then land on his… left side?

3:50-3:56 – Some CREW gets the ball passed to him 60 yards from the goal and dribbles with practically no pressure for 40 of it. Shoots the ball and scooooores. The one guy who actually attempted to stop him was Drew Moor who tried sliding in but was coming from the opposite side of the field (not really his guy). I think Sala thought someone was injuried so he took a knee, which should earn him some sportsmanship points at the very least.

If you were trying to duplicate this play on FIFA (which wouldn’t even happen on a computer game) all you have to do is hold R2 (I think) to sprint and point to the left. You may be wondering “Should I be passing or something?” No don’t worry about that. Now, when you get to the top of the 18, let go of the sprint, move the stick a liiiiittle to the left, then hit O to shoot. (Don’t even hit O that hard. You don’t want to miss the big white goal frame.) Ta da! A goal!

At least the commentators gave a shot out to the big man upstairs. “The red sea parts…. FROM THE CENTER CIRCLE he makes this run! It does indeed part…” Oh my. He then tries to count the defenders in the scene but I think he gets carried away with himself and just starts counting because he gets to four somehow. I mean, we should have had four, I would agree with that.

4:35 – FC Dallas ends up getting a joke shot on goal for giggles.