BOOSH!

Went to the eye doctor because I had something in my eye for 15 hours or so. I got checked in by the lady jr. eye doctor and she asked me some questions…

“So how you’d get something in your eye?”
“I was just sitting there.”
“You weren’t…. doing anything, were you?”

Okay so this type of question obviously means she thinks I was too embarrassed to say what I was doing originally. So I tried to come up with some examples of what I could have been doing to get something stuck in my eye.

1. Been watching Little House on the Prairie, been emotionally moved, but accidentally picked up a bag of woodchips instead of my desired hankie.
2. Been balancing a sword on my eyeball. A sword made out of ladies undergarments.

Annnnd that’s about all I can think of that would really call for such a dumb question.

Have you ever played the game of life? I am, of course, talking about the board game… The one where you spin the wheel to see what in the bejesus happens to you? Yes, that one.

Well, this may surprise you but, this game is based YOUR actual life. Right now your wheel is spinning, and someone spun it a little too hard this time, but you are about to strike your dream career! Isn’t this exciting?! You are about to become……… A POLICE OFFICER!!!!

What kind of cop will you be? If this were me, I would be a shady cop. Ever time I made a drug bust, only half of it would go to the dept. and the other half would go to me… to sell back to the streets.  But this is YOUR life, not Blake Riggle choosing YOUR life. So C’mon, get with the random choices and don’t go to jail.

The game of life is quite simple really, all you have to do is not mess up and you will end up with 10 kids living in a victorian era mansion on a police officers salery. Now what more can someone ask for?

However, The Game of Life leaves out all the minor details to how you got where you did.

How did you get that house? How are you supporting 10 freakin’ kids on police wages? And where has your wife been this past week?

Well I have the answers to all of these questions, and more! The Blake Riggle’s Detailer Expansion to the game of life tells ALL, and MORE!

Since you are a police officer, what the game didn’t tell you is that you also hold a strippers job at night. Since you already have the policeman uniform, Big Joey was ready and able to pimp you out to all the local bachlorettes and desperate women. Your wife has been having an affair with your neighbour Jim. Everybody HATES that guy, except for your wife. Maybe he has something that you don’t? You don’t support your 10 kids. You actually take them to the money tree every morning and tell them to, “Get that money because we gots bills to pay.”

There are countless other scenarios that aren’t explained in this free walkthrough, but with the game of life being only quasi-realistic now and there being details left out… Why wouldn’t you want to jump at this opportunity?!

The Game of Life has never been more easier to get addicted to… Now you have the power to do ANYTHING all on police wages! (other careers sold separately)

So come on and don’t let YOUR life suck!

Will: Think’s he is goofy.

Frank: Does not think he is goofy but he is.

Will: Does not know how to fight. lol……

Frank: Well let’s just say he should be in that movie “Never Back Down” He is that good.

Will: Aint no pimp or player.

Frank: He is a PIMP. He get’s all the ladies.

Will: Play’s a girl sport….. (Soccer) How lame. Will not so good. How hard can soccer be….

Frank: Plays a real mans sport. (Football)(Baseball) and is actually good at it…

Will: Think’s he is smart…. HAHAHAHAHhahahahHAhahahhAH

Frank: Is a genius>> Man he is smart…..

Well there is alot more that could be said to compare the differance between Will and Frank but will just stop there because we all know that Will cant really even get close to being near as cool as Frank……. Frank is the Best (A Pimp).

In the midst of one of the country’s biggest recessions, President Obama held a press conference to announce that he has decided to endorse the hit single “Santeria” (made famous by the reggae band Sublime) as the United State’s new national anthem. When asked about the sudden change and practically no warning, Obama replied with “Well it sends a great message and one that the kids of today can relate with. Plus, who even knows all the words to the original national anthem? I always get lost around the ‘rockets’ red glare’ part and just start singing my own words.” The song features politically charged lyrics and encourages Americans to spend their money again. In the opening verse, the lead singer – Bradley Nowell – sings “Well I had a million dollars but I’d, I’d spent it all.”

At the end of the press conference, Obama answered open questions from the floor. After a thirty second silence, Forrest Runner from ABC News asked “What about the line ‘Daddy’s got a new .45 and I won’t think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho’s throat’?” To which Barack Obama answered with “What about it?”

Thousands of teens have already shown their excitement for the new president previous to the new change, but now millions of Facebook statuses are now reading similar to “Jodi is LOVING THE NEW NATONAL ANTHEM!!!!1 FOUR MORE YERAS!!!!”

But not all is well in America as there appears to be at least a small percentage who aren’t happy with the change. Several senior citizens are confused with the genre style of reggae itself as they haven’t heard any music produced post-1957.

The Rangers have won their last 2 games in walk-off fashion, last night with a 2-run double by Hank Blalock and today with a 2-run home run by Chris Davis. Frank was playing football a few months ago and had his foot landed on by Ricky Nelson. He tried to walk it off but could not. Here are some other major differences between Frank and the Rangers.

Rangers: Have a current record of 20-14

Frank: Has 18 traffic tickets and has only paid 4 of them.

Rangers: Swept the Mariners twice this year.

Frank: Hasn’t picked up a broom since he was twelve.

Rangers: Get paid to play baseball.

Frank: Gets paid to change lights.

Rangers: Hit home runs.

Frank: Can’t get to 1^st base.

Now I’m sure there are more things to be said about the dissimilarities between Frank and the Rangers, and feel free to leave comments with new things you discover!

There’s a lot of music on my “CDs to buy next” list but right now number one is easily Britney Spears’ Circus for its obvious great lyrical content that rivals Bob Dylan. After just hearing “Womanizer” I was already sold. Let’s take a look at the lyrics at the opening lines to “Womanizer”…

Superstar, Where you from? How’s it going? I know you, gotta clue what you’re doing. You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here. But I know what you are, what you are baby.

Obviously a political song. She’s practically calling out Obama in his new presidency and his lack of experience (“Where you from?” – more like “Where’s your experience in political offices?”).

Congrats on another great political song that has touched us all inside, Britney. Can’t wait to see the follow up!

I took this online survey the other day and it made me watch a video that said that if the national debt was spread out between every American it would be about $35,000 per person. That was the exact moment that i realized i am worthless…and now just to annoy will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and i was at a youth thing at church the other day and we filled out this paper to see how much we are worth, and i wasn’t worth anything because i hadn’t eaten broccoli or cerial in the past week.

THIS BLOG IS MY LIFE!!! FML

This is a new segment in which I shed light on the pros and cons on a certain subject. Today’s case is Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal.

Pro: Has won four NBA championships.
Con: Still regularly greeted with “Hey aren’t you that guy from Kazaam?”

Con: Hasn’t scored 20 PPG since the 03-04 season.
Pro: Scores nearly every night with the Suns’ gorilla mascot.

Pro: Has been called “one of the most dominant players in the history of the NBA.”
Con: Does most of his dominating at KFC’s buffet.

Con: Has a career .501 free throw shooting percentage.
Pro: Records himself shooting paper wads into his trash can at home to show his teammates.

Pro: After leaving college early, Shaq went back and eventually received his BA in General Studies from LSU.
Con: Probably got West Nile Virus while attending LSU.

Con: Was a 2009 inductee of the New Jersey Hall of Fame.
Pro: Is the sole member in the New Jersey Hall of Fame.

Pro: Set NCAA record for 17 blocked shots in a game versus Mississippi St.
Con: Mississippi St. intentionally shot into him to be a part of the record.

Con: Has a recurring dream where a diabolical Phil Jackson eats him on a turkey sandwich.
Pro: Loves turkey sandwiches.

Pro: Is really good at breaking backboards simply from weighing 600 pounds.
Con: Laughs when the broken glass gets in children’s eyes.

Con: Takes two minutes to run full court.
Pro: Manages to step on the other team’s PG’s face in stride.

Pro: Hates Kobe Bryant.
Con: Took it too far when he invited everyone on the team but Kobe to his birthday party.

Con: Was ignored by filmmakers when he publicly stated he wanted to be in the second X-Men movie.
Pro: Took out his frustration through non-violence by playing 14 hours of World of Warcraft.

Pro: Has been given cool nicknames like “The Big Baryshnikov” from reporters after the game.
Con: Has been given bad nicknames like “The Small Testikovs” from his teammates in the locker room.

There was once a man way back in history who so loved the world that he killed off a race to save us from their damn craziness. This race in the bible is spoken as the chosen race.

These are the dreaded Jews.

Haha… Just kiddin’. I’m not that racist… Or am I?

I always notice how I racially profile people, though. There is nothing wrong with this. I use this for the greater good of everything. For example… Whenever I see a black person, wearing a hoodie, exiting a quickie mart, I know, via my racial profiling, that they stole something. And 9 times outta 10 I am right.

People, lend me your minds with this one. We have got to start trusting our racist gut much more often. If we start to slack on this, criminals will get away and peace will ensue. The people of this planet have to have some sort of strife to have it survive. Do you know of a time when there wasn’t hate or strife in the history of the world? I sure don’t. That is partly why I am calling every one else out there to be just as racist as I am. That and it is much easier for me to get you guys to conform that for me to “unracist” myself.

So in short. Stick to your racial profiling gut, and stick it to the minorities.

I once heard a wise man say “While you give up the fluency to speak when you drift in and out of slumber the ideas you gain are some of mankind’s best.” I stick by this idea mainly because I just said it. Or wrote it down when I was falling asleep. Something else this wise man said was “Watch out for the falling snakes upon the depths of your eyelids!”

Everyone “Remember(s) the Alamo!” because a lot of guys yelled it one time. And yelling is one of my favorite things to do. Everyone that yells is heard and their stories live on in history books and the occasional blog. So I decided to take it upon me to add yells to specific sporting events that will help games/series live on AND be summed up in just a few words.

Phil Mickelson at the 2006 U.S. Open – “He sucks again!”
NBA 2006 Finals – “Dwyane Wade is God! All try to touch him will be put to death!”
The Detroit Lions playing a football game – “Defeat is delicious!”

These are just a few of the endless possibilities.